AVGN The Fan Fiction series
by Deven711
Summary: EPISODES 4 & 5 ADDED! The Angry Video Game Nerd takes on some bad games, in the style of fan fiction! More games to come!
1. Episode 1: The Sailor Moon games

"_Ah, Sailor Moon." said the nerd. "One of the most recognizable fictional female characters of all time. In case you don't know, Sailor Moon was an anime character was from an anime of the same name, which was about a Japanese high school blonde chick named Usagi who meets this black cat that gives her superpowers. They meet new heroines, too. All while battling the Dark Kingdom, which aims to take over the world. Eventually, the anime was released in America, under ownership of DIC Entertainment. Many of the episodes were cut and edited up the ass. Mostly because of the other shows and the segment they had at the end of each episode called 'Sailor Says,' which was supposed to teach kids the moral of the episode. It sucked, but kids watched it anyway because there was nothing to watch back then. There was no internet, so you didn't know what was edited out, so you enjoyed it anyway. It wasn't like today, where people are subtitling anime shows with Japanese audio, which is called 'fan subbing'. The show was so popular, that it even spawned three sequels."_

_The nerd continued. "So, with all the merchandise, they also included, you guessed it, video games. They're all pretty much side-scrolling arcade-style beat-'em-ups like 'Final Fight' and 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'. Some were decent, but some were shit." _

_The nerd took out his first game, which was Sailor Moon on the SNES._

"_Sailor Moon on the Super Nintendo." he said. "Let's pop this fucker in." _

_The nerd puts the game in._

"_We are welcomed with Sailor Moon's Japanese voice, saying her battle cry or some bullshit like that. So we get to the title screen and I will select Usagi, because, well, she's the main character. So now we see her transformation, which is thankfully shorter than in the anime. Damn, she's hot. So, the level starts, and here's where we really hit the shitpile. First of all, why's Sailor Moon so slow? Why is her attack so generic, and why does the music sound like an island resort montage? It sounds worse than the DIC dubbing music!" _

_The nerd gets killed by the first few bad guys._

"_Fuck. I just died." he says. Suddenly, Sailor Moon cries._

"_Are you kidding me?" says the nerd. "The moment you lose health, you don't figure out that you're dead until your character starts crying! That's just assy! Bottom line: This game is slow, boring, and assy and needs to be punished."_

_Suddenly, Sailor Moon jumps in._

"_Holy shit!" shouts AVGN. "Sailor Moon?" _

"_I came here because I heard that there were some shitty games about me!" says SM. "I came to help scrap these turds!"_

"_You got it." says AVGN. "But be warned. They suck badly."_

"_Can I give this game a shot?" asks Sailor Moon. _

"_Sure." says AVGN. "We'll play together. Fortunately, the creators were actually smart enough to actually add a two-player option unlike in Battle Toads. But why couldn't they allow Player 2 to join anytime during gameplay? It's bullshit!" _

"_Relax." says SM. "And watch the language."_

_AVGN chugs down a bottle of Rolling Rock and sighs._

"_This game is gonna suck so hard." says AVGN._

"_Don't worry." says Sailor Moon. "With my help, we'll totally beat this!"_

_AVGN and Sailor Moon get started. Sailor Moon chooses herself._

"_I'm gonna be the blue-haired bitch." says AVGN._

"_That's my ally, Sailor Mercury!" yells Sailor Moon._

"_Okay, okay. Sorry." says AVGN._

_Sailor Moon's transformation sequence is displayed. Then Sailor Mercury's._

"_Are you kidding? They had to put both transformations back-to-back? Why couldn't it just be split screen? The show was never like this. The show cut to certain aspects of the transformations whenever more than one Sailor Warrior was transforming at once."_

"_I know!" says Sailor Moon. "It's so aggravating! And what's even worse is that it pauses for, like, five seconds between transformations!"_

"_So the game begins and...uggh…the slow gameplay again. It doesn't even have that same excitement as all beat-'em-ups should have. Instead, it reminds me a lot of Bebe's Kids."_

"_God!" says Sailor Moon. "Why did they have to make the gameplay so goddamn slow! Now all my past battles seem like a bore!"_

"_I know!" says AVGN. "This is even worse than the DIC Entertainment dub!" _

_Eventually they play through the first level and meet the first boss._

"_Okay, so we get to the first boss, which is some giant cat thing." says the nerd. "Remember that from Sailor Moon? Remember when she beats the shit out of a giant cat?"_

"_Actually, I remember that cat." says SM. "He's from Episode 33. He used to be a normal cat that was in love with my cat, Luna."_

"_Okay…" says AVGN. "Well, that explains everything." _

_The two battle the giant cat, but the cat claws them like crazy, taking crazy amounts of health._

"_F**k!" shouts the AVGN. "Jesus! This cat is so tough!"_

"_Not only that, but the controls are so damn unresponsive!" yells SM._

"_It's bullshit!" says AVGN._

_The cat kills Sailor Mercury._

"_Shit!" curses AVGN. "This cat is so damn tough! What the f**k?"_

_The cat kills Sailor Moon. Moon slams the controller on the ground._

"_F**K!!" curses SM. "This game sucks!"_

"_I'd rather stick my head up an elephant's asshole! I'd rather pick up dogshit with my bare hands!"_

_AVGN and Sailor Moon both lose all their lives and get a game over._

"_F**K THIS GAME!!!" curses AVGN loudly._

"_Time to punish it!" cries SM._

"_Damn right!" agrees AVGN._

_Sailor Moon pulls out the game._

"_Ruining a beautiful heroine's reputation is anything but good! It ruins childhoods and makes them look bad! I am the Bishoujo Senshi…SAILOR MOON! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"_

_Sailor Moon aggressively punches the game over and over. She then throws it in the air._

"_Now's your chance, Sailor Moon!" cries AVGN._

_Sailor Moon takes out her tiara and aims it carefully._

"_MOON TIARA…ACTION!" shouts Sailor Moon and she launches it at the game. The game is hit and shatters into many invisible pieces._

"_Alright, onto our next game. Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon for the Genesis." says AVGN. _

_AVGN pops the game into the Genesis._

"_We are greeted with the same Japanese voice as last game. Except the intro is a whole lot better. Instead of just a view of the Castle of Serenity, we actually see a high-quality image of Sailor Moon fading in and opening her eyes in some of the most beautiful animation that I've seen on the Genesis. Unfortunately, this game is only one player, unlike the last game." _

_The nerd plays a little through the game and is quite pleased. _

"_Wow. I'm quite impressed." says the nerd. "The music is nicer, the graphics are better, and your character's faster. My favorite part is the elevator. Throwing a bunch of bad guys through a glass window never gets tiring."_

_In the game, Sailor Moon throws a bad guy through the glass exterior of the elevator as he moans in pain._

"_UNGH!" says the nerd. "Damn goblins!"_

_The nerd continues, "Overall, quite an impressive game. Go pick it up if you want."_

_The nerd moves on to another game._

"_Next, we got Sailor Moon on Game Boy." says the nerd as he puts it in his Game Boy._

"_Okay, so we are taken to the title screen and Usagi talks to her mother or something. This game turns out to be a 2-D side-scroller, not like the other games, which were all 2.5D beat-'em-ups. All you do is go around talking to people. And at this one point, you meet this blonde guy with an apron-"_

"_MOTOKI!" giggles Sailor Moon. "He's the arcade guy!"_

"_Well, thanks for that explanation." says the nerd. "Anyway, so you play a mini-game with some Sailor Warrior fighting…a giant hamburger?!"_

"_That's Sailor V!" says Sailor Moon. "I play her games all the time! And I watch her show! Well, that was before she became one of us, Sailor Venus."_

"_Do you remember when she fought a fucking hamburger?" _

"_Actually, I don't." says Sailor Moon._

"_That's just ridiculous! I mean, where did they come up with this?" asked the nerd. " What crack were they smoking up their asses?"_

_The nerd continues, "Overall, not good, yet not bad. Very average."_

_The nerd lays back. "Well, I guess that's all the games we have. So…"_

_Suddenly, the Sailor Moon SNES cartridge returns, all in one piece, levitating in the air._

"_MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" an evil voice laughs. "I can never be destroyed, you fools! I shall now spread my shittiness all over the universe! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"_

"_Holy shit!" yells the nerd._

"_I'll handle this!" says Sailor Moon._

_Sailor Moon goes to punch the game, but the game dodges and attacks her from behind."OW!" says Sailor Moon. "DAMMIT!" _

_The game then starts hitting her repeatedly as she begins crying._

_Suddenly, a rose comes up and strikes the cartridge. "What?! What the hell was that?!" it cries._

_Tuxedo Mask runs into the house._

"_Tuxedo Mask!" says Sailor Moon._

"_Tuxedo Mask?" says the nerd. "Holy shit!" _

"_Sailor Moon, this shitty game may be tough to deal with, but in the end, it must be sent to hell to rot in Satan's asshole for all eternity!" says Tuxedo Mask. "And I will help you with that!"_

"_Thank you…Tuxedo Mask."_

_Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask pose for battle._

"_So, I guess it's time that I show my true form!!" the cartridge yells._

_The cartridge transforms into a giant, generic goblin-woman._

"_Now to kill you!" it shouts._

_Sailor Moon uppercuts it and Tuxedo Mask kicks it. It is on the ground, injured, but it recovers and kicks them both in the stomach at the same time. Both of them find it difficult to recover._

"_HA HA HA HA HA!!" it laughs. "No one to save you now, Sailor Moon!"_

"_That's what you think, goblin-bitch!" cries out a recognizable voice._

_The nerd returns and punches her in the stomach with the power glove. _

"_AUGH!" grunts the goblin-woman._

"_Have a taste of the Power Glove, m----------r!!" yells the nerd. "Sailor Moon! Now!"_

_Sailor Moon prepares her finishing move._

"_MOON HEALING…ESCALATION!!!"_

_The goblin-woman yells, "REFRESH!" and turns back into the game._

"_GO BACK TO HELL, YOU SHITTY GAME!!!" shouts the nerd as he punches it with his Power Glove. "Phew! Finally! That's been taken care of!""Yeah." Sailor Moon says. "Thank god."_

"_Well, thanks for watching my review on these games." says the nerd to the viewers. "Next time, we'll really be in for some deep shit."_

_THE END_


	2. Episode 2: The Shrek games

"Shrek was one of the highest-grossing animated movies of all time. It starred an anti-social ogre of the same name, who must bring a princess to an evil ruler in order to get a bunch of fairy-tale characters out of his swamp. But things change when he and the princess begin to fall in love. This movie was very popular among people of all ages. It spent five years in the making. They started the project in 1996 and finally finished the movie in 2001. So, since it was so popular, a sequel was made. It was more child-friendly and featured a lot more human characters in it. Soon, another film was made, and then a TV Christmas special. Shrek was so popular, he had a lot of merchandise, even a few games. Most of them…VERY FUCKING SHITTY!"

The nerd was going on talking about Shrek. The slide show stops and it shows the nerd with green face paint all over his face and fake ogre ears.

"These games are uglier than Shrek himself!" he yelled. "It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it. I'm gonna play these shitty games one after the other!"

The nerd picks up his first game.

"Shrek Treasure Hunt on Playstation." he says. He shudders. "Oh, sweet Jesus."

He puts the game in his Playstation and the game starts.

"So Shrek prepares a surprise picnic for Princess Fiona, but the three blind mice fucked around with the supplies or something, so now they've disappeared." says the nerd. "So, now you have to track down each supply one by one by playing some mini-games or something."

The nerd gets his first look of the graphics and is not happy.

"What the fuck?!" askes the nerd.

The nerd runs out of the room and vomits profusely.

15 Minutes Later…

The nerd finally returns, his mouth covered in green vomit.

"These are the shittiest, most disgustingly horrible graphics I've ever set my eyes on! What were they thinking?! I know this is the PS1 after all, but there are games on this system that have way better graphics than this! Holy shit! They look like fucking origami structures with glitter covered all over them! I've seen steaming puddles of diarrhea that look more beautiful than this!"

The nerd drinks a Rolling Rock and finally relaxes. "But enough of that. Anyway, so you go around looking for the items while collecting cakes. What's the point of this? Oh, and that stepping noise every time you move Shrek really brings my piss to a boil. Oh, and that fucking timer, too. It pisses me off, and this game should be destroyed."

The nerd takes the game out.

"Shrek Treasure Hunt! More like Shrek Pleasure Cunt! This game belong in Shrek's Swamp, for him to crap on!"

The nerd walks out of his house and goes over to a nearby swamp with a hut similar to Shrek's. He drops it in there and pisses on it. Then, he goes back to his house.

"Okay. Next game. Shrek Super Party on Xbox." said the nerd as he took out the copy of the game. "More like Shrek Super Shit!"

The nerd popped it in.

"Once upon a time, in a kingdom just down the road…" said the game's narrator.

"Yeah…" says the nerd. "The narrator tells you the story. All the Shrek characters have different wishes, and they compete in some sort of mini-game tournament in order to get their wish fulfilled. One question…why the hell are their heads so big? They're twice as large as their actual bodies. So are they bobbleheads? I don't get it!"

"Anyway, the gameplay is a blatent rip-off of Mario Party. It has the mini-games. Except that instead of die, the number of spaces you move depends on what hole you roll a ball in or some shit like that. And also, there are several starting points that you can choose from. The mini-games are bland and unoriginal and the controls suck old people f**k. Next game. But first, gotta throw it in the swamp."

The nerd goes back to Shrek's Swamp and drops it in.

The nerd then comes back to review his next game.

"Shrek 2 on GameCube." said the nerd as he popped it in.

"This game was made by Activision, who went on to make Call of Duty 4 and the Guitar Hero games. But this game isn't one of their best. It's not bad enough to take a piss on, yet it's not good enough to make out with. It's just your average Action-RPG. But at least it has four-player co-op. That's pretty cool. It's an okay game. Whether you buy it or rent it is up to you."

The nerd takes out his next game.

"Shrek: Hassle in the Castle on Game Boy Advance."

The nerd puts it in and is quite surprised.

"This is a pretty good game. The controls are pretty decent, and it's fun to punch bad guys." says the nerd. In the game, Shrek punches one of the merry men. "Beat the shit outta 'em!"

The nerd takes out Shrek's Carnival Craze for DS.

"Oh, f**k. We really saved the shittiest for last." says the nerd. "Shrek's Carnival Craze for the DS."

The nerd puts the game into his DS.

"The game starts with a cinematic cutscene where Donkey, Puss-In-Boots, Gingerbread Man, and Fiona try to persuade Shrek to go to a carnival, despite Shrek's dislike for carnivals." says the nerd. "He ends up going anyway and Prince Charming challenges him to a duel, the winner becoming the king of the carnival. Shrek gladly accepts, but we fearfully shudder because this is where the ass-inine gameplay comes in."

The nerd selects his first mini-game, the Gingerbread Man Conveyor Belt mini-game.

"God, this game sucks! And the music and voices are annoying, too!"

The nerd then plays the Dunk the Cyclops mini-game. The nerd starts getting pissed. "God! I can't even hit the target!" he throws the apple and finally hits the target, dunking the Cyclops in the mud. His score is now 24. Then, before the Cyclops rises up again, time runs out.

"Okay. That's it for that mini-game." says the nerd.

A sign comes up that says that he needs 25 points to win.

"What?!" shouts the nerd. "Are you shitting me? I needed one more point?! What a shitload of fuck!"

Eventually, the nerd reaches the end. "So after all that, I finally reach the last mini-game. It's probably gonna end with a final duel of Shrek Vs. Charming. This is it! Hold on tight! The ultimate mini-game is about to begin!"

The name of the final mini-game turns out to be Mud Slide Madness."Okay." says the nerd. "It should still be a pretty good climax, right?"

It turns out to be quite a boring mini-game. "What? This is it?" asks the nerd. "This is the best they could come up with? That's bullshit!"

The ceremony is shown after the mini-game and Shrek is crowned King of the Carnival. The ending turns out to be decent.

"This is a good ending. Shrek and Fiona are about to kiss when Donkey stops them and charges money for his kissing booth." says the nerd. "Then, the Dragon, Donkey's new girlfriend for those who haven't seen the first Shrek film, flies in and Donkey kisses her. There. That's it. The end."

Then, the nerd has a thought.

"Hmm…I wonder. Since you can play as four characters, let's see if each have a different ending. That would be pretty cool for a party game." says the nerd. "Multiple endings. The Mario Party games never had that, except for the board endings."

The nerd plays all the way through Donkey's story and has great anticipation for the ending.

"Alright." says the nerd. "So, after going through all that again, I finally get to see Donkey's ending."

The ending turns out to be the same. The nerd is speechless for a moment. Then, he bursts out.

"WHAT THE F**K??!!!" yells the nerd. "You mean to tell me that after all that, it turns out to be the same ending?! What a shitty ass load of m*********ing bullf**k!! Shrek's Carnival Craze! More like Shrek's Crap Craze! F**k this game! And f**k it to the depths of…wherever the hell the economy is right now."

Silence."TO THE SWAMP!"The nerd tosses it violently into the swamp. Then, takes a dump on it.

"CHEW ON THIS, YOU ROTTEN PUDDLE OF DONKEY DIARRHEA!" he yells.

The nerd returns and drinks his Rolling Rock.

"That's it." says the nerd. "No more shitty Shrek games. Thanks for watching and have a good night. Let's hope the upcoming film 'Shrek Goes Fourth' lives up to its predecessor. 'Til next episode, good night! And stay away from these assy games!"

The nerd drinks his Rolling Rock as the screen fades to black.


	3. Episode 3: High School Fking Musical

"High School Musical." says the nerd. "What a pile of f**king shit. It is one of the worst f**king movies I've ever seen. Just watching one of the music sequences makes me have suicidal thoughts. The characters are f**king annoying, the songs are ear-rapingly bad, and the whole movie so mindf**kingly lackluster. It even spawned two sequels and a spin-off. They all suck gorilla balls."

The nerd continues. "And just why the f**k did they even think to make a game based on this dog turd of a movie? I don't know. They were smoking crack through their ass or something. But anyway, let's play 'High School Musical: Making the Cut' for the DS."

The nerd puts the game in. The start-up menu shows as "Bop to the Top" plays in the background.

"God, I f**king hate this music. I really do." curses the nerd.

"So anyway, I go to Single Player Mode and I select Local because it's the only one available."

"The plot turns out to be that the Wildcats, the name of the group of friends that star in the movie, are entering a national dance competition. So, now you have to dance in all these pointless music stages that don't even have anything to do with the plot. It's like in Wario Ware, when in the middle of a character's story, you have to complete some five-second mini-games so that the story can continue. But in Wario Ware, it was fun. In this game, it's ass."

The nerd continues. "So the songs that you are forced to dance to are 'Bop to the Cock', 'Get'cha Head Up Your Ass', 'Breaking This Pile of Shit', 'Stick to the Bullshit Quo', and 'I Don't Dance To This Shit'. Every song sucks, and the worst part is that you have to do them over and over. It never…f**king…stops. I'd rather eat a mouse's dick than play this crap."

The nerd selects the first song.

"So, first, we're gonna do Bop to the Cock, since that's the first song." says the nerd. "We see two of the characters, Sharpay, the Paris Hilton bitch, and Ryan, who looks like the Irate Gamer's gay lover. The game play's a lot like those Japanese touch-rhythm games like 'Elite Beat Agents' or 'Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan', except that those games had better rhythm in the notes, but in this game, the notes are always a second-off. It's just stupid. And it gets even worse. These songs are not the original songs from the movie, but even worse versions! It's like pissing on a pile of shit!"

The nerd reaches the final song in Local mode.

"So, I've finally reached the end of Local mode. The final song is 'What I've Been Looking For', the Troy and Gabriella version. It sucks like the rest. So I finally beat it and…are you kidding me? I have to make a music video off it now? That's just assy! And I have to do everything right, too. If I don't, I fail. That's just retarded."

The nerd finally finishes.

"So I finally win and the Wildcats win and celebrate or something. So now I have to do the next part of the story, which is State mode, but if you want to find out what happens next, you'll have to pick it up yourself. Why? Because this game sucks monkey f**k, and I'm never f**king playing it again in my life!"

The nerd takes the HSM cart and takes a bat. He smashes the cart and it shatters into pieces.

"Next is "High School Musical: Living the Dream" for the Game Boy Advance. Let's see how this one does."

The nerd puts the GBA cartridge in his GBA slot in his DS.

"So, it's a platformer, where you must collect all the music notes and beat random blonde-haired, faceless, high-schoolers in dance competitions, and dodge possessed flying paper airplanes. This game speaks for itself. Next game."

The nerd takes out the cartridge and throws it out the window.

"Alright. Next game, 'High School Musical 2: Work This Out!' for the DS. The only thing that needs to be worked out here is the shit level!"

The nerd pops it into his DS and the game starts.

"This one's based on HSM2, an even bigger pile of shit than the first film. In fact, it was so bad, that even most HSM fans hated it. So upon getting to the title screen, it starts playing 'You are the Music in Me', which is another piece of shit song from the movie franchise. So, you play as Gabriella, who applies for a job as a lifeguard at Sharpay's dad's country club. The Adventure mode reminds me of the overworld of an RPG game, except confusing and moronic as hell. You have to play mini-games, like the one where you have to protect the swimmers from getting sunburnt by the pool. That's all the mini-games I've played, though. Because for the rest of the game, I'm stuck on what to do next. I'd rather drink snake piss while shoving an orangutan up my ass! I'd rather eat cow vomit out of a rhinoceros's asshole! And…UGGH!" yells the nerd. "Aren't there any better songs?!"

The nerd goes over to the jukebox and finds out about the Sharpay version. "AAAAAH!!" screams the nerd. "Stop! STOP!" The nerd goes to the stop button. "Oh. Thank god for silence!" The nerd goes back to the gameplay, only to hear the music playing again. He starts dropping F-bombs. "F**k this game, and f**k it to hell!"

The nerd takes the game and throws it against the wall, where it shatters into pieces. He then drinks a Rolling Rock.

"High School Musical 3: Senior Year on DS. Now we're really in deep shit."

The nerd pops the game in.

"God, were they smoking crack through their asses or something? Look at this! There's this white block thing with a face that eats music notes. It reminds me of the Jugem's Clouds from Super Mario Bros. 3. Anyway, after I complete the level, the game shows me how many points I earned while the characters jump like they're retards or something."

The nerd continues. "Next, I have to complete this personality test. I got to be honest. Despite the fact that these tests are kinda gay, I actually find them quite entertaining. But if I wanted a High School Musical personality test, I'd go online and do them myself! But I'll never do that! And you wanna know why? Because the movies suck ass! I'd rather eat monkey shit while 69ing a hog!"

"So that's it. All you do is dance, do personality tests, dance, and do more personality tests. Not as torturous as Superman 64's gameplay, but still repetitive nonetheless. The songs make my ears bleed more than the HSM1 and 2 songs, so it's getting its ass crushed!"

The nerd takes the game out. "High School Musical: Senior Year! More like 'High-Ass Shit-sicle: Linear Queer!"

The nerd takes out his katana. He throws the game in the air and slices it in half. He then sheathes his sword.

"That's it." says the nerd. "That's all the games, and, thankfully, the movies. Thank god the franchise has ended because one last shitty-ass HSM song may make me go deaf. Thank you for watching this review. Next time, we take a look at.."

Suddenly, Shit-Pickle comes in."Shit-Pickle!" says Shit-Pickle.

"What is it, Shit-Pickle?" asks the nerd.

Shit-Pickle gives the nerd a Hannah Montana DS game.

"No…" said the nerd. "It can't be…"

The nerd screams, it echoing throughout the entire Earth.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!"

To Be Continued…


	4. Episode 4: Hannah Montana

"Oh shit…" says the nerd. "Hannah Montana the Video Game for the DS. God, this is gonna suck."

"So, on the title screen, we have the logo and these two chicks with oversized eyes. What's up with that? They look like possessed dolls! Anyway, I have to enter three initials. Why only three letters? Why not a full name? What is this? An 80's arcade game?"

"So, we go to the first cutscene, where Hannah is awoken by her father because her reputation may be at stake. Hannah gets a little nervous because someone sent her a threatening letter about exposing her secret to Malibu, so now you have to go to school and meet your friend, who looks a lot like Chester A. Bum's girlfriend. You know, f**k this. This game is as boring as boring can be."

"So. There we go." says the nerd. "That's it. That's the only game! No more shitty Hannah Montana games!"

Suddenly, another game drops in. That being Hannah Montana Music Jam.

"Oh, god." said the nerd.

"Alright, Hannah Montana Music Jam. More like Hannah Montana Shit Spam!"

"So, the title screen comes on and we are subject to horrible pop music playing in the background. God, it makes the music from Terminator on NES sound like fucking Metallica! Anyway, so this game is a music video customizer. It sucks."

"Okay, time for one last game. Sorry if this was short, but these Hannah Montana games aren't much in depth and there aren't many. Anyway, Hannah Montana: The Movie. What's with these people in putting 'The Movie' in movie-to-video game adaptations? It's ridiculous. It should just be called 'The Movie Game.' "

The nerd pops the game in.

"So, the title screen comes on and it has a selection of Story Mode, Quickplay Mode, and Options. I'll just pick Story Mode."

"So, Hannah leaves her concert when her father comes and tells her to get changed for, I don't know, missing her concert or something. So, you get changed, yeah, every Disney game involves dress-up, and then I leave. Okay, time for a dance sequence. So, you tap these buttons to the rhythm, I guess. I really hate Miley Cyrus's hideous face in the background. God, she looks worse than Britney Spears. So, you use every instrument known to man and the song finally finishes. So, after that, you change again. Then, you sing again, and it goes on, and on, and on. God, it's like Superman 64! Well, not as bad as Superman 64, but you get my point. This game sucks ass."

"There. That's it. I couldn't find anything else. There were barely any depth in these games, for they were all the same. Bottom line, these games suck ass. Good night." said the nerd.


	5. Episode 5: The Three Stooges

"I fucking love the Three Stooges. Back in the 1930's, they were very well-known for their short films. Man, they were awesome. But what stupid-ass company would decide to make a game based on them 50 years later? Well. Activision, of course. The makers of that piece of shit, Die Hard."

The nerd was shown on screen.

"Here we go! The Three Stooges on NES!" said the nerd, holding up the Three Stooges cartridge to the camera. "Let's pop this fucker in!"

The nerd did so and turned on the NES.

The title screen came up and the Ghostbusters II logo came up.

"What?" asked the nerd. "Did I put the right game in?"

The nerd went to turn off his NES when he saw three men in white shirts and blue overalls. One had thick, orange sideburns, one had black, moppy hair, and one has a short buzz cut. They were Larry, Moe, and Curly.

"Hey, fellas!" said Curly. "We're in the wrong game!"

"Hey, this looks like a kid's game!" said Larry.

"More like a shit game!" responded the nerd. "I'd rather stick a needle in my dick than play that anal fuck again!"

The screen then went black and Moe was heard shouting "You imbeciles!" along with some popping noises.

"So, I did have the right game. That's a good thing." said the nerd. "This game looks promising so far. They got the opening title card from the short films correct. That's good. But then, the game begins."

The intro begins.

"So, there's this evil banker who threatens to take some orphanage and the Three Stooges have to help pay the rent by doing odd jobs or some shit like that. Anyway, first mini-game. Here's five cards. Press the A button to stop the hand, and play a mini-game. The first mini-game we have is the Hospital mini-game, where you have to control the Stooges as they follow a guy carrying a stretcher and collecting red crosses and avoiding patients. Knock over too many patients and the game ends. What's up with the music? It sounds like an ice cream truck and it repeats the same sixteen notes over and over."

A red cross comes flying over one of the patients. The stooges try to get it, but they end up hitting the patient.

"Fuck!" cursed the nerd. "I swear, sometimes, in order to get one of the red crosses, you have no choice but to hit the patient."

After the mini-game, the Stooges returned to the mini-game screen.

"So, you earn money depending on how many red crosses you got. You get five dollars for each one you collect." explained the nerd.

"Alright, next mini-game. This time, it's boxing." said the nerd. "It's based on the Stooges short, 'Punch Drunk', where Curly becomes a boxer and knocks out the champ to 'Pop Goes the Weasel'. However, you don't play as Curly, here. You play as Larry, who, after his violin breaks, has to make a fast run to the radio shop and get a radio before the six rounds end. But what the fuck kind of boardwalk is this? There're poles, random stacks of boxes, poles, fire hydrants, and…dead hookers? So you run and dodge the obstacles. You have to be fast enough to jump over the fire hydrants, but slow enough so that you can see what's ahead of you. This balance is impossible, though, because, well, THERE IS NO BALANCE! You just have to take your time- but no, you can't do that, because there's a time limit! Such bullshit!"

The nerd came real close to the end.

"Almost there." said the nerd. "Gotta dodge the pole, gotta leap the- fuck!"

Larry attempted to jump the fire hydrant, but tripped and fell.

"The worst part about this is that right after recovering after five seconds, you can get hit by a nearby obstacle right after!"

Larry came close to the door.

"This is it…I can still make it!" said the nerd.

Suddenly, a pole came up and hit Larry.

"Fuck!" yelled the nerd.

The 6th round ended and it went back to the mini-game menu.

"FUUUUUUUUCK!!" yelled the nerd at the top of his lungs. "Those fucking, goddamn, rocket-licking poles! Fuck 'em all to hell!"

"Okay, next game. This one's a Cracker-Eating Contest, where you play as Curly. The goal is to move the spoon and eat as many crackers in the soup as possible before the clams take 'em from you. The controls are more slippery than an elephant's greasy dick. Sometimes, I go right and the spoon goes too far! And whenever the oysters snatch your crackers twice, the game suddenly stops for a few seconds and you hear Curly say something I can't make out. Why would that be necessary? I'd rather pause the game for a few seconds. Anyway, every cracker you get, you get five dollars, but for every ten, you finish a bowl. If you get more crackers, you move on, if they get more, the mini-game ends."

Back to the mini-game menu.

"Next up is the Waiter mini-game." said the nerd. "This one also sucks ass. You play as the stooges as they have to throw pies at the customers, while dodging the pies themselves. It doesn't even explain the controls. They suck ass. You press the left arrow to dodge as Larry, down, Curly, right, Moe. This mini-game sucks. The controls are more confusing than rocket science."

Back to the mini-game menu.

"Next up, we have Trivia!" said the nerd. "Well, what can I say. It's Three Stooges Trivia. Get a question right and you get $200. Get one wrong and you get nothing from that question. Three questions per game. Hold left for A, down for B, and right for C. These are the best controls in the game. That, and there's no time limit, so you have plenty of time to think."

Back to the mini-game menu.

"Up next, the slapstick mini-game." said the nerd. "It's good that the designers captured the true slapstick of the Three Stooges, but there's absolutely no point in this. You play as Moe and you have to try and eye-poke Larry and Curly. You don't earn any money for it, and they block your pokes at random. So what's the point?"

"That's it. Now I think I have enough money. But the game won't end until you hit three mousetraps. So, here I go. I got $14,000."

The nerd got three mousetraps and the game faded. The orphanage appeared as the orphans thanked the Stooges.

"YOUR GIFT OF $14000 HAS SAVED THE CHILDRENS HOME!" said the orphanage owner.

"WE PAID THE RENT WE OWED AND REPAIRED OUR HOUSE WITH THE MONEY LEFT OVER!"

"End." the next screen says.

"I knew it!" says the nerd. "No shitty game is complete without a shitty ending.

The nerd took the game out of his TopLoader.

"That's it! I'm done with this game!" yelled the nerd. "I'd rather have a dog anal rape me in my ass while sucking a gorilla's dick! I'd rather lick a pig's shitty asshole and get the swine flu! Moe's my ass, Curly's my balls, and Larry's my dick! This game sucks ass! And by ass, I mean shit-covered, piss-drenched, hemorrhoid-infected ass! FUCK THIS GAME!"

The nerd got a frying pan and smashed the game with it while woo-wooing a la Curly. Then, he hits himself with the frying pan and knocks himself out.

A The End title card a la the Three Stooges appears as a trumpet version of Three Blind Mice plays in the background.

END


End file.
